I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
