Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
