What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
