The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
