We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
