Where are you?
In a non slutty way
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
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