I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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