So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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