I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Randomize
