u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
