She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
