theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
