Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Operation Purity has been aborted
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
