sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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