Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
