I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
