my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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