I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
