Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
