I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
