first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
What a dumb baby whore.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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