Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
