so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
