He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
