brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
