Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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