well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
