I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
