I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
the liver wants what the liver wants
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
