You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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