We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
