i may or may not be watching the land before time
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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