I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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