im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
