He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
