i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
