its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
