Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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