you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
