I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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