I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
