she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
