Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Randomize
