my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
