My hair reeks of homosexuality.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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