I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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