I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
