she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
