Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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