It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
