think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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